Yesterday in my local store, I went into the household bit and saw a non-stick frying pan with a price sticker on it. Who the heck are they trying to kid? Graham Wilson

Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original? Wayne

69.26% of all statistics are made up.

While it is true that it is impossible to fall off the floor, most kids don't learn it until they are 7 or 8 years old.

The American's spent years and untold amount of dollars to make a pen that writes in space. The Russians use a pencil.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

Quantum mechanics: the dreams stuff is made of.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Back in the days before electricity, we were forced to watch TV by candlelight. --unknown

Much work remains to be done before we can announce our total failure to make any progress. --unknown

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left. --unknown

Life is like a box of chocolates. If you wait too long, all you'll be left with are the disgusting ones that nobody else wants. --unknown

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times... hey, cut that out! --unknown

When you flirt with danger, don't be surprised if it asks for your phone number.

When you flirt with danger, don't be surprised if it asks for your address.

If you are going to dance with danger make sure your shoes are tied. --unknown

There are three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count and those who can't.

There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those that don't.

My job is to comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable. Snopes: Purple Iguana

"Some girl on the street outside the bar just asked me if I was saved yet."
"Yeah? What did you say?"
"I told her 'I saved at the checkpoint a couple of minutes back and I can reload from there if I die.' She looked confused."

If your mind is closed then please keep your mouth closed as well. -- me

If your mind is closed then your mouth should be also. -- me

"I've found you can win almost any argument if you can get boogers involved" --qualli

"There's a difference between a philosophy and a bumper sticker." -Charles M. Schulz

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

"One original thought is worth a thousand mindless quotings." -- Diogenes

"I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming." -- Mitch Hedburg, RIP

If you hear a southerner say "Hey ya'll, watch this!" you should stand back. It's likely someone is about to get hurt.

The plural of "anecdote" is not "data."

Spontaneous Human Combustion: When people, with no apparent cause, suddenly start burning like campfire marshmallows, reaching temperatures of thousands of degrees and being completely reduced to ashes. This is often fatal. - Dave Barry

"If at first you don't succeed then skydiving is not for you" -Darwin Awards

Warning: Do not look into laser with remaining eye. -Darwin Awards

"Genius is one per cent inspiration and ninety-nine per cent perspiration. Accordingly, a 'genius' is often merely a talented person who has done all of his or her homework." - Thomas Edison

Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison

Just because something doesn't do what you planned it to do in the first place doesn't mean it's useless. - Thomas Edison

To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. - Thomas Edison

Hell, there are no rules here - we're trying to accomplish something. - Thomas Edison

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. - Thomas Edison

We don't know a millionth of one percent about anything. - Thomas Edison

When Lasers Are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Have Lasers

Quantum Physics says beer only comes in discrete quanta, such as 12 oz, 16 oz, 32 oz, six packs and assorted kegs. The stores don't sell 3 oz beers or 19 .7475452 oz beers. You can get an available quantum or be thirsty. -

"Dear Lord, you have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever."

"Yee-Haw!" is NOT a foreign policy.

When I say "Happy Holidays" to someone it means "I hope you enjoy whatever holiday you choose to celebrate" not "In your face, baby Jesus!"

God: "I guess I could answer peoples prayers about world peace and all that, but how much would it freak everyone out if I appeared on a potato chip? Jesus, check it out, I'm on a Pringle."
Jesus: "What a coincidence, mom just appeared on a grilled cheese sandwich."
God: "Ooh, freaky!"

"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use." - Galileo Galilei

Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam. (I have a catapult. Give me all of your money or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.) - Spamamander at

Give a man a fish, you'll feed him for a day. Give a man a religion and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish. - Diabolus Ex Deus at

Last updated with stolen quotes 12 Nov. 2007.